I experienced my first-ever trip last and it wasn’t from a psychedelic drug as such. It was the life-mellowing drug, weed.
I say I entered a psychedelic world because what went from a casual session of telling your partner that you’re feeling awesome and free, went to a trip into the unknown world in my brain. Probably into the section that I hardly access, or where I store every bit of information that upsets me or that I don’t want to deal with. Suddenly it’s like the door unlatches and there’s unlimited access.
The series of fortunate events is hard to write down the morning after. However, a few things really made themselves noticeable and writing this down as I speak while sober, forces me second guess my sanity. Let me give you an example. Last night, I was chased by a dinosaur from the laundry to the couch – it was only a toy sized T-Rex from what I can remember. Writing that down now is weird.
When I first realised it had ‘hit me’ I got up to go to the bathroom and as soon as I got up I thought “oh shit! It’s happening.” I couldn’t get off the toilet fast enough. I needed to retreat to the couch and get into the recovery position, which in my case was making myself as comfortable as possible ‘Assume dead mummy position’. Seriously…
My first huge wave of pressure and uncertainty hit me hard. I thought I was dying. I had a pretty decent panic attack but had my partner keep me grounded. It felt like my heart my pumping out of my chest. I needed my partner to put his hand on it and recite the beats with his hand while holding my hand. I wasn’t crazy, it was beating fast but I wasn’t dying. Convincing myself was hard because in that state of mind all I could think was ‘trust no one’. They came in waves and after being at a tug-o-war with myself I finally let go of control and went along with it.
I began asking some weird questions. I thought I came down from the upper level and said “Did I come downstairs?” and my partner would say “You’ve been downstairs the entire time.” Fair call. I don’t remember going upstairs anyway. However, I wasn’t satisfied within myself that I asked. So, I asked again “Did I come downstairs?” This time it felt weird asking, kind of like Deja Vu. Then I asked “Did I just ask did I come downstairs?” and I asked that a few times. Until I thought “Oh my God, I’m going around on a crazy loop. How will I escape this?” I had to convince myself that I asked and promised myself not to ask again.
It was like a crazy battle with myself. Trusting myself and my instincts. Being the stronger person and not letting my brain convince me otherwise.
As my body relaxed more and more my muscles started to twitch. My upper thigh on the right, then the left, my calf muscle, my toes and it started to get faster and faster. I tried to control the feeling but it was like when you’re about the fall asleep and you twitch yourself awake. However, I’m awake the whole time.
After the twitches, I thought everything was going to be okay and the worst of the peak period was over. How wrong I was … Next, up, it felt like I had mind-altering waves come over me. Like that adrenaline rush feeling. This peaked my anxiety once again because each rush I had led me to believe I was dying again. The anxiety attack wasn’t as bad as the first one. I started to realise that I had no control over the situation and to just go with it.
I remember starting a sentence and not being able to finish it. I would start to say ‘I don’t…’ and then would stop. It’s like I was mesmerised by the TV in front of me.
Every thought I was having I acknowledged them individually. Something that my therapist would instruct me to do. It was a form of meditation. There was a river bed with leaves on it and every leaf that was passing down the rapid stream had an idea on it. I had no control over all the ideas that were passing me.
I started to see my life so much different, everything that affects me and how I feel about things. I even entered a, what I would call, an intergalactic world or a clown carnival.
First off, it started at a carnival with clowns and circus music and a kaleidoscope of colours. It was a montage of all the creepy things within a carnival. And after looking straight ahead and ignoring all the clowns with their open mouths, I started to go faster and faster towards the colours, which were swirling around. I was falling down a colourful rabbit hole.
But then, I entered the darkness. Something similar to the ‘upside down world’ on Stranger Things. There was nothing around me. Nothing scary and nothing out of the usual. I think it was my brain telling me that I was lost and needed to find a way around the darkness to find the bright side.
As I fell deeper and deeper into my subconscious. I was paralysed. I couldn’t move. The only movement occurring was everything on the inside. My thoughts, feelings and emotions. I was stuck with them. And every time I tried to move, it felt like I was lifting myself off a force field. But the more my body moved the trippier it became. I was moving and so was the world, but at different speeds.
I feel like it was a beneficial ‘exercise’ for me. Having never felt the way I felt last night can change your perspective on things. It kind of opens your mind up to the impossible. I feel more creative and happy to be back in reality. I couldn’t imagine having a tiny T-Rex chase me in this world.